Ask Amy: Widower wants ex-wife to be his caregiver

Dear Amy: I am an 85-year-old widower. My wife died three months ago.

I live with a “live-in” assistant who provides meals and general assistance to me. This person also has a job in real estate.

I have two grown children from a previous marriage, and three adult stepchildren from my deceased wife.

Now, I want to ask my ex-wife to move in with me to provide 24/7 care.

She is 82, and is in favor of moving in with me. We’ve been divorced for 36 years.

The children are split: my two agree with this idea, and the three stepchildren disagree.

The disagreement comes from concern over too short a period for bereavement, and also distribution of an inheritance after my passing.

They also think that my ex-wife is too old to provide effective caregiving.

Is there a “normal” grieving period? I am torn between my original family and my family through marriage.

Is a compromise possible?

— Searching

Dear Searching: The grieving process is different for everyone, but everything about your situation seems accelerated. This could be because you are panicking, or simply feel like you don’t have a lot of time to spend figuring out this next phase of your life. Your experience witnessing your late wife’s needs and caregiving requirements could be influencing you now.

Please understand that, no matter what you are going through (grief or no), your late wife’s children are grieving. Treat them with understanding and compassion. But you must ultimately do what you believe is best for you.

If there are questions about inheritance, review your affairs and — if you want to — perhaps make arrangements to give your stepchildren their inheritance, or a share from their late-mother’s estate, now.

My main question is why an 82-year-old woman would be eager to devote her remaining golden years to providing “24/7” care for her ex-husband? But your ex-wife is an adult, and presuming she is of sound mind, she should also do what she wants to do.

Some questions are: Will she be compensated for the care she is providing? What will you do when/if she gets sick and can’t provide the care you want/require/expect?

You, she and your children should think this through very carefully and make sure that her rights and needs are acknowledged and protected, in writing.

A social worker with expertise in dealing with elder issues could help you to mediate the various constituencies, and provide you with additional resources.

Dear Amy: I am expecting my first child. My partner and I are so excited. My question is about the upcoming baby shower.

I can’t decide if I should create and send out a “baby registry” so that guests can purchase pre-selected gifts for me from a list. Of course, I would appreciate any gift, whether or not it is from my registry.

I just thought that it might prevent duplicate gifts, as well as gifts we will not use. But my cousin (with whom I am very close) told me that she finds gift registries very insulting, because they are just a “dressed-up form of begging.” I certainly do not want to insult my guests by demanding certain gifts, but I have to admit that my life would be so much easier if I could ensure that I don’t get 30 pacifiers and no bottles!

Should I still create a registry and direct my guests to it when I invite them to my shower? If so, how should I phrase this on my invitation so that I don’t seem unappreciative of gifts that are not from the registry?

— What to Expect

Dear What to Expect: Yes, create a registry. Registries for baby showers are a relatively new thing, but many new parents (and their guests) find that they are helpful, for all the reasons you cite.

To speak to your cousin’s criticism — basically the shower itself is “a dressed-up form of begging.”

Don’t include registry information on your invitation, but make sure whoever is hosting your shower has it and can readily pass it along to anyone who asks.

Dear Amy: You gave a compassionate response to “Concerned Daughter,” whose elderly mother is driving when she shouldn’t. A much easier solution would be for this daughter to take her mother’s keys!

— Easy-Peasy

Dear Easy: With my own mother, this process invoked the phrase, “You’ll take these keys from my cold, dead hands.” It’s really not that easy-peasy.

Compassion is almost always the most difficult path.

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