Dear Amy: I’ve been married for more than 30 years, through good times and bad.
Right now times seem bad.
My husband has been retired for eight years from his job as a local trucker. He mostly worked nights.
When he was working, he blamed his bursts of anger on a lack of sleep. Well, many years post-retirement, he still has outbursts of swearing and yelling.
Back in the day, I would engage in the confrontations. Then when I was about 40, I made a decision that I just didn’t want to fight anymore. Instead, I disengage. Adults should be able to have conversations without shouting and cursing.
I told my husband that I don’t feel loved, and I don’t even feel liked. Therefore, I’m not interested in having sex with him, because he doesn’t seem to love — or even like — me. He has not confirmed or denied — or disclosed — his feelings about me.
There have been occasions, when I’ve been drinking, when we have had sex, which I do not remember in the morning. What would you call that?
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: I would call that either blackout drinking (or a date rape drug), accompanied by sexual assault; or (possibly) a psychological phenomenon called dissociation.
Dissociation is how some people cope with trauma — by basically detaching themselves from reality.
This is an armchair guess of mine (I’m not a psychologist), but if you are dissociating, it could have started with your (healthy) choice years ago not to engage in your husband’s rages. Dissociation is an extreme form of detachment.
If your drinking isn’t causing you to black out and have memory lapses, then it’s possible that you are reacting to your sexual experiences with someone you don’t love (or even like) by basically blocking out the whole episode.
If you are drunk or drugged, you cannot legally consent to sex. I assume the same standard applies to psychological injury or impairment. Your relationship with your husband seems to be thoroughly broken. It would be best for you to part, unless or until you two figure out how to communicate peacefully. And obviously, you should take an honest look at your alcohol consumption.
Dear Amy: I just received an invitation to a friend’s wedding.
The marrying couple is requesting that all of their guests bring a potluck dish to share at the reception.
This is not a small family wedding! My first thought was that they could not afford a caterer; however, they are providing both a sandwich bar and an open alcohol bar.
I don’t understand the reasoning. Does the dish count as my gift, or is the couple expecting both?
I won’t even get into the food safety issues! Is this a new thing?
— Confused
Dear Confused: I wonder if there is a marrying couple brave enough to host a “throw-back” wedding — where the reception consists only of sparkling drinks and cake — and guests sip, sup, enjoy and go home? Modern weddings have become festivals.
With an open bar, your friends seem determined to get their guests good and drunk. For the money they are spending on alcohol, they could instead buy a few salads for their guests to enjoy along with the sandwiches.
I don’t think “potluck” weddings are a huge trend, but they do happen. For hosts to throw one successfully, they should put a lot of thought, planning and effort into it — giving guests some direction, cuisine-wise, asking guests to provide ingredient lists, and providing the means to keep hot foods hot and cool foods cold. They should also provide designated help to take in food as guests arrive, set it out and then take away and wash empty containers.
You should not count on any of this happening.
If you decide to attend this wedding, yes, you should bring a dish to share. In terms of the food safety risk, you should always try to find out exactly what you are eating, and if in doubt, only eat my Aunt Lena’s molded green salad. It contains both pineapple pieces and marshmallows!
No, your potluck offering does not “count” as your wedding gift.
Dear Amy: “Worried Dad” described his son-in-law, a physician, as being increasingly absent-minded and accident-prone.
I have ADHD, and much of what was described in this letter would apply to me. People with ADHD are often misdiagnosed.
— Reader
Dear Reader: Many readers added their speculation to my own. My concern was that this man’s symptoms seemed to be getting worse.
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