Ask Amy: Student struggles with neighbors’ racist assumptions

Dear Amy: I’m a college student from the suburbs of San Francisco. I’ve been attending college in New York.

My best friend from school is coming to visit me this summer, and I couldn’t be more excited! But, excitement aside, I do have concerns.

In a time where people of color, especially men, are having the police called on them for everything from waiting for a friend in Starbucks to taking a nap in a common area of a dorm building, I am worried about my neighbors’ potential reaction to a man of color showing up in their predominantly white suburb.

I have toyed with the idea of making a post on Nextdoor.com (a neighborhood social media site) asking people to think twice before panicking, should they see my friend walking down the street, as he belongs there as much as they do, but I know my county prides itself on being a liberal and progressive area, and I don’t want to insult anyone.

I don’t want to upset my community by accusing them of racist behavior I have never witnessed, but I am aware of incidents taking place in similar communities.

I do not know what to do to offend as few people as possible, while still trying to make sure my friend feels safe and welcome in the place I call home.

Your suggestion?

— Toeing the Line

Dear Toeing the Line: In recent neighborhood news, “neighbors” in a community similar to yours called the police because they saw an African-American firefighter (in uniform) performing a safety inspection in the neighborhood. The firefighter’s white (female) colleague said that in the future, she would accompany him on neighborhood sprinkler checks, basically for his own safety.

You should start this process by notifying your friend that your neighbors are somewhat likely to “panic” and call the police if he is bold enough to walk through the neighborhood while also being black.

Strangely, you seem to worry more about offending your neighbors by challenging their lofty notions of themselves than you do about the risk posed to your friend if he walks through your neighborhood alone.

I have two suggestions: Challenge your neighbors out loud to actually let a black man — any black man — walk through the neighborhood unchallenged, not because he is your special guest, but because he is a human being walking down a sidewalk.

Also, be completely honest with your friend about the kind of community he would be visiting, and the physical or psychological annoyance (or worse) he could face, simply by being there.

Dear Amy: Last weekend, my sister and I (who both live out of state with our young families) surprised my parents and one of my sisters with a visit to our hometown.

After the weekend was over, one of my father’s sisters sent a private message stating how disappointed she was to be left out. She said we should also travel to see her when we’re in our home state.

Between them, my parents my eight siblings! We try to see them at large family events (Christmas) when we can see everyone at the same time, but frankly our time is precious, and this isn’t how I want to use it.

I feel like this violates boundaries, which my own parents struggle to respect.

I want to respond to her letting her know I acknowledge her feelings, but the family is too large to accommodate these types of requests. Do you agree? It is also possible her late-night message was written under the influence.

— Guilt Trip in WI

Dear Guilt Trip: You don’t state the wording your aunt used, but from your reporting, here’s how I interpret her message: “I miss you! I’m so sorry I didn’t get to see you! I wish you had also traveled to see me.”

Is this boundary-crossing? I don’t think so.

You need only respond: “I’m sorry we didn’t get the chance to visit! But please remember that we have eight aunts and uncles, and these visits home are stretched so thin. Looking forward to Christmas!”

Dear Amy: “Many Times Ghosted” told of a painful situation caused by her longtime friend who was unresponsive to her attempts at contact.

In addition to your suggestion that the friend might be in an abusive relationship, she might also be suffering from depression. I’m glad you suggested that “Ghosted” should continue to keep the friendship door open.

— Grateful

Dear Grateful: Yes, people with depression do tend to pull away from relationships. Thank you.

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